There. I said it. The word authenticity gets tossed around quite a bit in the #sachat community. I would be inauthentic saying that I am any sort of confident about what lies ahead in my life at the moment. Deb Schmidt Rogers‘ recent and crazy amazing post The Secret Lives of Women inspired me to talk about what I’m going through right now. Out with the perceptions, secrets, and fake brave faces, and in with what’s real: my fear.
|Life is funny. So are face sandwiches.
Photo credit: Toxel.com
I finished my master’s in May. It’s the end of July. I’m still job searching. Very much searching. I’m not at an “I’m close” or “I’ve got a few things in progress” position. Still applying. Waiting. Wishing. And I’m sorry about getting that Jack Johnson song stuck in your head.
It’s the end of July. Money is extra extra tight. My health insurance expires in a week. The possibility that my partner will be able to start culinary school in the fall is becoming more minimal by the day. I am certainly letting myself down, but feel that I’m also letting down those around me, those who believe in me. I’m terrified.
I’m also embarrassed because I am so terrified. I know that in comparison to so many people my situation is small potatoes by a BIIIIIG stretch. I’m embarrassed because I do have really wonderful things happening in my life, but am so distracted by my situation that I am not stopping to smell the roses. The many many roses like my amazingly supportive partner, my unfailingly encouraging friends and family, the people on Twitter who don’t even know me but who are willing to help me with virtually anything I’ve asked for and more.
I’m pretty sure that this is that character building stuff you’re always reading about in retweeted inspirational quotations and posters. I think this is the thing that’s not killing me but making me stronger. I don’t think and I’m not pretty sure, I know that’s what this is. I also know that I always land on my feet. I know that I’m not alone in my fear. I know that I will be scared and that it’s ok.