Oh, Katrina. You are tricky, tricky. I came up the first four very quickly and then had to poll the audience for the rest.
1. So I can have a teacup pig
Or a sloth. Or a mini hippo. Or a mini giraffe whenever science gets on that. I’ve had a serious obsession with this particular variety of miniature livestock for awhile. I would do a lot to procure one. I mean watch this video. Are you not dying?? By the way, this video prompted at least 60-minutes of mini-pig video watching.
Sure, my dog would LOVE a pig!
This is where Tina went the night I watched the video:
2. About presents/surprises
Personally, I hate surprises and would love to give you a detailed list about which gifts I would like to receive. However, I LOVE buying presents and surprising people. One of my classic lines is ”I have no idea what to get you.” What I really mean is “Squirrel please. I found the perfect gift MONTHS ago.”
3. So you don’t have to buy your children ice cream
When I was little, music trucks would drive through my neighborhood all the time. Isn’t that nice? Wait, you don’t know what a music truck is? A music truck is what you call an ice cream truck when you don’t want your child to know that there is a moving vehicle dispensing treats while playing sweet jams. Thanks to my aunt, I learned their true purpose around age six. Thanks, mom. Apparently, in the world of parenting, this is totally fine. See number four.
4. All the time to kids
Lord, how much lying do we do to children? Sure, Santa is real. That MUST have been the Tooth Fairy you heard. Yes, that’s justa music truck. Will I tell my non-existent children these lies? Fo sho. Have I busted out “because I said so,” while teaching and babysitting? You bet. Sometimes it’s easier than saying “well, I don’t want you to play with her at her house because her dad looks like a molester.” That’s a lot to handle when you’re eight, so you’ve just gotta keep on keepin’ on with the lies.
5. At weddings/events
Do you really wanna tell the bride that the steak was gross and she looks hideous? No. She would CUT you. Lying is especially key for bridesmaids. It’s your job to keep the bride happy and stressed which just might mean not telling her about the rogue bridesmaid with the hot pink shoes until several months after the event.
6. About someone’s sweet new face tattoo
If I had to tell Mike Tyson what I thought about his face tattoo, I would say I loved it and it really suited him. When someone is feeling really amped about their weird new hair cut/color/piercing/outfit, I REALLY don’t want to be the Tim Gunn in their life. Will I tell you if your dress is tucked into your underwear or there’s food in your teeth? Hell yes. That’s just good karma. However, if you are really into your look, then keep it up. Happy people are the best kind.
7. When you’re sorry you’re not sorry
I’m always right. I hate admitting when I’m wrong. Sometimes, you just have to say you’re sorry, even if you’re not, to move on from a situation.
8. Bless your/his/her heart
I’ve had conversations about this phrase with a couple friends lately. Being a northerner, it’s not one I use. I find it hilarious that you could essentially say something like, “Oh lord, that fat ignorant b!tch? Bless her heart,” and it’s pretty much cool. Let’s be real, that’s super passive aggressive and backhanded, but the sentiment applies: I hate her, but I’m gonna be nice. It hearkens back to that whole golden rule thing. I will lie and be nice to someone when I REALLY don’t want to just to keep things going smoothly…which makes me sound like a big jerk, but we’ve all done it and continue to do it.
I’m participating in #ReverbBroads12. You should, too! Jump in!